If you are like most parents about to get a divorce, you probably want to know how to help your child deal with divorce before you begin the process of divorce.
It’s normal for any child going through a divorce to experience some emotional pain. These can include feelings of loss, sadness, frustration and possibly abandonment or rejection. As a parent, there are steps you can take to help your child through this difficult time in their life. There are steps you can take to protect them as much as possible from the divorce process itself, as well as the changes that will occur, both now and in the future.
Your initiative can help your children get through the divorce with as little difficulty as possible. Although both parents working together on this goal can make it even easier for the children, there is plenty you can do on your own.
Show Them the Love
Children in a divorce need even more love from parents than they did prior to the divorce. This means frequently telling your children that you love them, think of them often, and will always be there for them. It also means spending some extra one-on-one time with your kids and encouraging them to talk about their concerns or fears if you notice that they seem preoccupied or sad.
Support Them and Make Them Feel Secure
In addition to feeling loved, kids need to feel that they are supported, secure and safe during the divorce.
Often children feel very insecure about their relationship with one or both of the parents. They may feel that the parent that moves out of the house has rejected them. If possible, engage the other parent in having a sit-down with you and the children to explain that both parents will still be very involved in their lives.
Talk to the children about the divorce—not the details of your relationship breakup, but about divorce in very general terms. Children do not need a blow-by-blow of who did what to “cause” the breakup.
It is important to show children your support and commitment to them by being there, and following through on any plans or events you have made with them.
Children may also sense when there are financial worries, especially if money is an issue in the divorce or in the disagreements leading up to the divorce. Assure your children that you have this under control. Children should not feel concern over financial affairs; they need to know that Mom and Dad have this handled.
Avoid Exposing Them to Conflict
Kids should never be exposed to fighting, negative comments about the other parent, or conflict between parents. They need to see that you and the other parent still can work together to be good parents.
High-conflict situations need special attention if you are to make your child feel more secure. If you have a high-conflict situation, try exchanging the children at a neutral spot like a supermarket or store parking lot, or at a fire station. It is critical that children not be exposed to the stress and anxiety of parental conflict.
Engage Extended Family
You should take steps to engage your extended families to make sure that they are following the same expectations for providing love, support, and only positive comments. Make sure your extended family understands that it is not ok to speak negatively about the other parent.
If your child feels comfortable talking to other family members about the divorce, you can encourage them to do so.
Set Routines and Schedules
From the beginning, or as soon as possible, set a schedule for children to spend time with both parents. Sticking to the schedule as much as possible allows the children to plan for times with both parents, and to feel a part of both parents’ lives.
Be Consistent
Try to set similar expectations for chores, discipline and daily routines in both Mom’s house and Dad’s house. This is particularly important if you have younger children, as they will adjust to spending time in both homes much quicker if they are consistent.
In addition, being consistent generally provides support for all the other steps you take to make the experience less jarring for the child, helping them feel secure in their day-to-day life.
The above steps provide you a starting point for you to help your child as the divorce unfolds. You can look for additional help online and through child therapists for children who may need additional help in dealing with the changes brought about by a divorce. Being alert or sensitive to your child’s emotional state can allow you to help them sooner.
If You Can, Try to do an Uncontested Divorce
lastly, the form of divorce process you choose can go a long way to helping your children. A divorce with litigation usually create acrimony between the parties, which can be senses by the children. To the extent that you and your spouse make an effort to do an amicable, or uncontested divorce, your children will benefit greatly from the minimal conflict of uncontested divorces.